I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
