who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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