Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
