he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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