Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
