Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Randomize
