walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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