Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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