Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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