why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
