Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
