she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
