Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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