Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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