Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
