I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm at about main and main street
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
