Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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