The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize
