I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
