My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
