Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
