I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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