We're like a lot better than the average bears
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
