Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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