I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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