so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
