clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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