woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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