Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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