Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Randomize
