Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize