I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
