Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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