How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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