We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
