Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I supernannyed him into submission
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
