textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
