do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
