I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
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I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
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Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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