I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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