if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
