I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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