apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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