absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
