If i could tip my vagina, i would.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
