Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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