my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
i've created a new STD.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
