were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
