Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
