I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
