not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
