I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
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