I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
