did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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