Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
