Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
