google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
