I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
