Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize