I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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