Your tits are I can't wait for
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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